I hate myself for having selfish thoughts

Dear diary

Sayang and I have been communicating like normal already, and I'm really thankful for that.

Our conversation ended a while ago, he went to bed already. And I gotta admit I started feeling panicky and helpless when he told me about the suggestion from his Dad, which he is taking into serious consideration.

I am afraid.

I have never ever been through anything similar to this before.

And honestly speaking, I have no idea how to face it.

I want the best for my honey boy, and I hope his decision would not be influenced by what the SIM staff/his Dad said. Ultimately, I want it to be what he's interested in.

Gosh I'm all jittery and I don't know what to say.

I even starting weeping when he told me about his plans.. I mean, looking far ahead, he's doing something to ensure stability and comfort for us. Yes, I'm so confidently saying "us". And no doubt I believe that he has proven to me.. He's the one I wanna spend the rest of my life with :') Ok, I know it's too early to talk about all these but once in a while I get random thoughts like this.

I am just afraid of facing life alone without him by my side, guiding me through. And yes at the same time.. I wouldn't want to be so selfish to tell him not to do what he wants to.

I just.. I need him :(

It's not just that I've gotten used to life with him around and I'd go crazy if he's not in my daily life anymore. It's that he has always been here.. Guiding me, and holding me close whenever I'm about to fall apart. What's gonna happen when he's not around? :'(

I hate how selfish my thoughts are right now. I'm sorry honey, I just.. I would be selfish towards anything which would take you away from me :'( I understand it's the long-term goal that you're working on, and most definitely I'd wanna lead a stable + comfortable life with you!

I need a really tight hug from you now.. And whisper into my ears that this would only make our love stronger, and nothing else changes.

Damn it. I'm still feeling jittery now, I don't know how to express that exact feeling I'm having now.

Darling, I just wanna let you know how much I love you and need you by my side. Nevertheless, I'd always be supporting the decisions you've made, for I know that you're working on a long-term goal; building a comfortable future for us. Please come back from your holiday trip real soon. I need your reassurance so badly :( Love you TTM!

I don't tell you how much I love you everyday because I treat it as a routine. But it's to let you know, how much I really appreciate you honey. It's more than words y'know..

xoxo