Dear diary
I'm so glad at least I finally got to see where the problem is coming from, and what is his point of view. And I am pretty much very sure, I ain't giving up so easily.
He didn't just make me stay in love. He never fails to make me fall in love over and over again with him..
I feel so loved that he trusts me so dearly. And as I reflected on our relationship, I feel sincerely apologetic that I've been taking this trust for granted. I never ever wanted to learn cherish through losing. It's the process of growing up that he has been guiding me through, that made me wanna be a better person not just for myself, but also for him. I'm hanging to to hope and faith for what I believe in.
To have made it thus far, and even gave my friends a shock when I mentioned to them I wanna settle down with him, I know things are gonna somehow work again. Yes, there's a couple of them who'd say "Why? You still young leh!!"
I'm sorry, I don't see things that way.
I have never felt this way before.. Never felt so attached to anyone before, to the extent I think of long-term plans like settling down. And one extra factor we're facing is.. Inter-race. (Most definitely that has never stopped me from falling in love with him at all) I spoke to people that I come across on the net, asking them for advice etc, hoping to make things go more smoothly.
Certain things like this, I've never ever mentioned to him before.
For I think that.. What's best is to just keep these thoughts within me, put them aside till the time comes to talk about it. Oh and what's more, I don't see the point in looking for someone better when I'm already feeling so blissful (Having bumps is normal) in my current relationship. If my mindset is just to keep looking for someone better than him, I'll never be able to find the right one.
Some time back I remember him telling me he'd be going for SIM degree. And yes, despite hating my brother to the core, I did sit down and think about how he and his girlfy maintained their relationship while he's studying and she already graduated. I admit I looked up to him for this. The one and only thing I see him as an example to follow..
So that contributes to the list of things which I've thought about but never told A about it before. I did sit down and think..
"Hmm, I guess he'll be more busy when he enters SIM, cos studying for a degree is gonna be tougher. Maybe we can change our meeting days to purely weekends instead, or once in a while have dinner together on a weekday. Whatever it is, I'll only talk to him on the phone if he's not studying, since that's what my bro & his girlfy does during the examinations period. For now, I'll just put my plans aside till his uni starts."
I know I talk a lot, a WHOLE lot to him. But I don't talk about every single thing though..
Stuff like that were never ever told, maybe that's why he thinks I'll be really upset when he can't spend time with me once uni starts. I doubt he'll read my blog anymore, but I really have so much left untold. I'm utterly sorry that I've been such a bitch.. I know he's always working hard to earn more $ not only to contribute to his uni fees, but also to bring me out for better food/dates etc..
Now as I sit down in the middle of the night, I think about so damn much. But I'm just telling myself.. Hey Jiahui, you're gonna be one strong Telur goreng who's gonna continue loving him and working things out, because everything that is worthy ain't easy. And with the start of his holiday trip, marks the start of my "training" to become a more understanding partner.
I didn't promise to change overnight, weeks, or months. But what I will always be consistently doing is to improve on what I myself know it's a flaw.
A part of me will always be with him.
And I'm here waiting with open arms,
cos I have faith in us :')
For the past 2 nights, I'm thankful that MHK has told me so much. I know I'm stubborn and not gonna listen to any advice related to "giving up". I'm just glad he's so supportive of whatever I plan to do.
Dearest boy, I know you're worth my efforts and I'll always be trying hard for you. Let us work a way out, for there's so much we've not yet done together.
Wishing him a safe flight and awesome holiday trip in Australia! I hope he'll miss me like how I'd miss him too :/
Everyone who has been holding me close, telling me to study hard for UT3.. I won't give up alright? I'll see you guys this weekend to study, before we head out for some relaxation..
It's already 4.15am. I better turn in soon.
xo
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